Monthly Archives: October 2013

Suffering and the Sovereignty of God

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Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Edit: The sermon mentioned in this post is now online in video and mp3

Sundays are the hardest days for me. It was the same when Lydia was in the NICU. I’m not sure exactly what it is…maybe it’s seeing all the families together at church. Maybe it’s all the babies being held by their mama’s when I don’t get to have mine with me. Partly, I think it is the worship songs. Songs that we sing during church are full of deep truths about God: His lordship, His holiness, His sovereignty. They confess that God is in control, that He is good in all He does, and that we are joyfully, willingly surrendering all and worshiping this God. On a typical Sunday these are all fine and wonderful things. However, when you’re struggling through a trial, those truths hit a little deeper and a little harder. You think a lot more before you sing something out loud. Surrendering to God’s control carries a new weight to it because you know that it might mean going through something hard and still confessing God’s goodness.

Anyway, whatever the full reason is, Sundays are my hardest days. When our kind friends at church ask “How are you doing?”, half the time I start crying. Then I have to reassure them that Abby is doing fine, great, in fact. “So, what’s wrong?”

Dan asks me the same thing when I get down sometimes at night, right before I go to sleep. “What’s wrong?” And he is usually rewarded with a drawn out list:

Our sink won’t drain. The garbage disposal is broken.
The handle just fell off our laundry room door.
My peanut butter spatula** is gone.
I’m tired.
Our house is a mess.
And my baby is in the hospital.

**my peanut butter spatula, which I was thrilled to re-discover when we moved after a summer of being packed away, is a thin “icing spatula” that I use to clean out jars, mainly peanut butter jars which we go through multiple times a week. Since the first time I got to use it in this apartment, it has mysteriously disappeared.

The list varies, depending on what new stressors have come up, but I always end it the same. My baby is in the hospital.

And then, at other times, I feel perfectly fine. Sometimes I can prance into the NICU like it’s “just another normal day” and smile and hear an update on Abby. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like a big deal at all. She’s stable, doing well, doctors are pleased, and will be home in a month or two.

Is this suffering?

Prior to our latest discovery during Abigail’s birth, I never really had a reason to grieve. I’m sure I’ve heard loads of sermons, and plenty of Biblical teaching on grief and suffering, but I must never have had enough motivation to really pay attention. Starting the night after Abby was born, I began to wonder what the Bible really says about grief.

Since I know others have suffered far more than me, is it ok for me to be sad?
Do I deserve to be rebuked for being so down?
Is it wrong for me to be hurt when people act like this is all “no big deal” and tell me it will “be over before you know it”?
Am I overreacting?
How much of this really is just postpartum hormones?
Will I offend those people who have suffered greater things?
How do I respond when well-meaning people say things that don’t comfort me at all?
Since our troubles are small to God, is He annoyed that I can’t just “get over it”?

How fitting it was yesterday, when our guest speaker at church preached a sermon on “Suffering and the Sovereignty of God”. Not only was it a fitting sermon, our speaker was a pediatric heart surgeon who operates on babies, has operated on preemies at the very hospital where Abby is, and knows all of her doctors and much of the other staff there. And he is one of those people who has suffered greater things than I have.

But at the same time, he was full of compassion. He spoke with gentleness and kindness and wisdom and truth. Early in the sermon, he made the point: we should never trivialize the sufferings of others. And we should never claim to fully know God’s purpose in allowing suffering into someone else’s life.

And so, in perfect timing, God answered many of my questions. No matter what trial I am going through at any given time, it is the trial which God has allowed into my life for a reason. It may not be hard in someone else’s life, but it will be hard in mine. And God, who created me, knows that and has compassion. God, who sees all and knows deeper love, joy, hope, and pain than I ever will, isn’t offending by my suffering. He offers comfort. And He uses suffering to fulfill His purpose in my life.

As far as others are concerned, it isn’t a ranking system of suffering. Just because someone has suffered more than someone else, doesn’t mean they are special, or stronger (or weaker), or godlier than anyone else. As Christians, we aren’t supposed to compare or belittle anyone’s sufferings. God only asks us to enter in to their suffering, to “weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15).

I hope that, through this time in the NICU and the disappointment of never being able to have a full-term baby, Dan and I will become more compassionate Christians who are equipped to enter in with others who are suffering.  Even if the suffering seems small in our eyes. Even if the suffering seems like something harder than anything we’ve experienced, something with which we could not honestly relate.

And now, because I know Abby’s fans, followers, and prayer warriors need their update…

Weight: 3 pounds, 6 ounces
Feeding: 30 milliliters fortified to 24 cal every 3 hours given over the course of 1 1/2 hours

Abby had another pleasing weight gain last night. She has been struggling to digest lately, having more leftover milk in her tummy at the following feeding times, and going whole days without a dirty diaper. She has also started spitting up again. For now, we are just waiting it out. She’s still young and small and will, hopefully, outgrow these problems.

Now that Abby is 32+ weeks old, she will start receiving iron in a couple of her feeds. Lydia, when she was in the NICU, hated her iron and it always made her spit up. Preemie’s aren’t able to produce red blood cells on their own without receiving extra iron, because most babies get their iron stores built up from Mom during the last weeks of pregnancy. Abby never got that. So we’ll see how she does with these supplements added to her “salted caramel lattes”.

On a brighter note, the physical therapist stopped by today and took a look at little Abby. She was impressed. Her feet may or may not be improving, it’s hard to tell. However, Abby is “very social”. Most babies favor either their hearing or sight, but apparently Abby is excelling at both. When Dan talks to her, she will turn her head and look at him. At the same time, when she’s awake she is “bright eyed” looking around at everything. Tonight we’re going to bring in some family pictures to put above her in the isolette, so that she can “look at us” even when we’re not there.  (Just a side note: Dan and I recently learned that Lydia’s isolette, her “bed”, costs $45,000.  Yikes!)

Lydia remains the NICU’s favorite toddler. A while ago one of the neonatologists (there are five that rotate) tried to befriend Lydia a little unsuccessfully. Dan informed the doctor that Lydia likes stickers (which are available in ample supply at the reception desk). Yesterday the doctor was back on and brought us two packages of stickers that she had gone out and bought just for Lydia. Originally she bought her some other toy but it was for ages 3 and up, and she didn’t want us to sue her. Lydia happily took the stickers and ignored the doctor. Dan says you just can’t buy her friendship.

Praise the Lord
We are thanking God for:
-Abby’s development: seeing and hearing
-Lydia slept in this morning, which meant Dan got to work a little more and I got to sleep at little more
-answers to my recent questions regarding suffering
-that God is compassionate and gracious to us all

Please Pray:
-that Abby will stop spitting up, start digesting more regularly, and that her feedings will be able to be reduced from 1 1/2 hours long to just 1 hour
-that Abby will tolerate the iron well, and it won’t cause her to spit up more
-that Abby would continue to gain weight and that her exercises would work to straighten out her left foot
-that Dan and I will figure out a better routine now that I am (close to being) able to drive (starting Wednesday)

Abby Update: 24 Days Old

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Weight: 3 pounds, 4 ounces
Feedings: 28 milliliters fortified to 24 cal every 3 hours given over the course of 1 1/2 hours

Abby has had two solid weight gains in a row and is now up to the same weight Lydia was when she was born. Maybe she’s getting older and more stable, or maybe it’s all the avocado we’ve been eating around here lately. Most certainly it is an answer to many, many prayers.

The doctor ordered a repeat sodium urine test, but it still came back low (even with sodium supplements) so they believe her kidneys are actually doing a good job. The doctor seemed to be going a little fast during rounds as they discussed her sodium, guess he was afraid we’d hold him to his one month salary bet. 🙂 Abby will stay on sodium supplements and they will continue to check her sodium levels in her blood until things balance out.

Meanwhile, nurses have been commenting that Abby “acts like an older baby”. She can keep her temperature up well and is very alert at feeding times. All of these are very good things. Now that Abby has reached 32 weeks, we have the go-ahead to let her try and nurse, although she probably won’t actually succeed for a while. It’s good practice.

The rest of us are “hanging in there”. We’re tired and we miss Abby. But we are happy to have another week behind us, one less to go. My recovery is going well and today I was even able to watch Lydia (by myself!) for Abby’s hour and a half feeding while Dan held her. Sometimes Lydia will cooperate enough to stay in the NICU for a while when one of us is holding Abby and those times are extra special because we actually get to feel like one whole family.

Praise the Lord
We are thanking God for:
-Abby’s weight gain and her alertness during feeding times
-Another week down and that Abby has reached the 32 week mark
-My healing and ability to do more now so that Dan can hold Abby more often

Please Pray:
-that Abby will continue to gain weight as that may very well be the limiting factor in when she can come home
-that we will have a good opportunity to let Abby try to nurse, when she is very awake, and that she’ll learn quickly
-for continued perseverance

Abby Update: 22 Days Old

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Weight: 3 pounds, 1 1/2 ounces
Feedings: 28 milliliters fortified to 24 cal every 3 hours given over the course of 1 1/2 hours

No news is good news.

We don’t keep babies until Kindergarten.

Lydia is so cute!

These are some of the most commonly used phrases in the NICU (lately).

First of all, Abby is continuing her stable pace. She’s has officially reached her birth weight, and passed it. And her feedings have increased along with her weight. Over the past couple of days her spit ups have decreased significantly, which is an answered prayer. The nurses (and Dan and I whenever we’re there) are doing some foot exercises at each feeding time to try to straighten out her left foot. We’re unsure yet whether or not we notice any improvement.

Abby’s recent blood work showed that she was very low in electrolytes so she has been receiving a sodium supplement which is added to the milk at each feeding. Because of the gestation at which she was born, Abby also received caffeine in each feeding (that’s to help stimulate brain activity). So we’ve dubbed her feedings salted caramel lattes. An interesting little tid-bit to go along with the sodium update is that it’s common for preemies to have trouble holding on to sodium because their kidneys are immature. To check this, the doctor ordered a urine test for sodium. Typically the urine test comes back high in sodium because the baby is losing sodium in the urine as the kidneys are failing to absorb the sodium Baby needs. However, despite our doctor’s insistence (he jokingly bet his monthly salary) that the urine sodium count would come out high (around 70), it came back very low (14). In fact, we tried to hold him to his bet, but he ordered a repeat test today because he’s convinced it must have been a bad test. Dan and I are trying our own little experiment upping my sodium intake to see if that helps Abby out any. I’ll have to report back later on the results of our experiment and whether our doctor can keep his salary or not!

So Abby is cruising along. Most times when we show up our nurse welcomes us with “no news is good news”, and we continue our long wait for Abby to come home.

The rest of us are doing fairly well. Life is a roller coaster as we keep trekking back and forth to and from the NICU, leaving Lydia with different church families while we go, and getting way too little sleep. Dan is trying hard to get in his time for work and spend time with his girls. We sure do miss Abby. While the hours go by way too fast (to get anything done), the days are still long, and the weeks are longer.

Meanwhile, Lydia has made a name for herself among the medical personal at St. Joe’s! The techs (clerks at the front desk of the NICU) shower Lydia with praises and stickers. The janitor does too. The nurses welcome her as we enter and head to Abby’s bed. The respiratory therapists stop by to marvel about how well she is talking. The neonatologists gush to others about how Lydia was in the very same NICU two years ago, and “just look how cute she is!”. One doctor opened our curtain while we were holding Abby this morning because she “just had to see Lydia”. Then, as the small team of doctors, therapists, and nurses made their way to our bedside for rounds, we heard some exclamations of, “Oh! Is Lydia there?” from behind the curtain. And of course, everyone we passed on our way out said goodbye…to Lydia. Yes, she may just be the most popular NICU visitor these days.

Praise the Lord
We are thanking God for:
-Abby’s steady progress, reduced spit up, and recent weight gain
-Lydia’s good behavior and that she is handling this crazy-ness so well
-Dan’s employers patience and understanding as he works odd hours and doesn’t often make it in to the office

Please Pray:
-that Abby would gain weight, and that her sodium levels would reach what they should be even without supplements
-that Abby’s foot would straighten out and she wouldn’t need any invasive treatment
-that the rest of us would get more sleep, or that God would graciously multiply the sleep we are able to get
-for wisdom as we try to see Abby, parent Lydia, and get Dan’s hours in at work
-for our patience and perseverance for the still long road ahead

This is When Things Get Hard

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Life in the NICU is really unlike any other place. On one hand, everything is so medical and sterile. Everything is done according to procedure and an official doctor’s order has to be put in for anything to be changed. On the other hand, as the doctors make their rounds they are discussing things like spit up and wet diapers. To be honest, it’s a nice place. The nurses are (mostly) sweet and the doctors are extremely friendly. Everyone offers to answer questions, bring (somewhat) comfy chairs to our baby’s bedside when we arrive, and even get us bottled or ice water.

With Lydia, I noticed a bit of a progresion. The first week in the NICU was a whirlwind, so busy and exciting. The second week, we fell into a routine and it was almost (I did say almost) fun going to the hospital each day to get our updates and hold our baby. But by the third week it wasn’t fun anymore. No matter how sweet the nurses or kind the doctors, all those runs back and forth to the hospital got old.

In the NICU, your whole life is put on hold. Your schedule revolves around Baby’s eating times (every three hours). You go back and forth to and from the hospital, returning home only for meals and sleep. You don’t keep up on anything that isn’t necessary. You boil your activities down to the most important: washing dishes and clothes, cleaning the bathroom frequently enough so that it doesn’t grow mold, and paying bills. Everything gets done efficiently or it won’t get done at all.

Last night I hit the same wall that I did during Week 3 with Lydia. Yes, there were overwhelming moments in those first couple of weeks. This is a different kind of hard, a long sad hard. We miss Abby when we’re home. I’m just a little down most of the time, and really down some of the time. Even when I’m holding her, I’m wishing for “normal”.

Abby is doing well. Yesterday a physical therapist looked at her left foot, which has been turned inward since she was at least 20 weeks gestation. So now during each “hands on” time we or the nurses do some “exercises” rotating her foot. Today Abby had some blood work done which came back mostly normal, but her sodium levels are low. So she’ll be getting a sodium supplement added to her feedings probably for a couple of weeks at least. Her weight last night was 1320 grams, down from 1330, but the nurse was also using a different scale, which probably accounted for the difference. Overall, she’s just eating and growing with no major concerns.

It’s still hard.

I know that God is still good. I know that Abby won’t be in the NICU forever. The time will go by quickly for everyone else. (But it would probably not be best to approach Dan and I in a couple of months and comment on how quickly the time passed) I know that suffering is used for good in our lives. But it’s still suffering. It still hurts. We’re still hoping and trusting and hanging on, but we still miss our baby.

God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea, and rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs and works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take; the clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break in blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense, but trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast, unfolding every hour;
the bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err and scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter, and He will make it plain.