Abby Update: 1 Month Old

Posted on October 11, 2013 by justeeni

Weight: 3 pounds, 8 ounces
Feedings: 32 milliliters fortified to 24 cal every 3 hours given over the course of 30 minutes

Today Abby’s nurse told us that they’ve labeled her the preemie model. She doesn’t alarm or fuss, and she’s doing exactly what they want her to. The doctor did rounds early this morning, so we missed them, but she stopped by later to give us a summary. She said that Abby’s turning the corner from “just being on the edge” (needing extra things like caffeine added to her feedings, breathing help, temperature monitoring, 1 1/2 hour long feeds to keep up blood sugar etc.) to becoming one of their standard “eat and grow babies”.

Tomorrow they will stop adding caffeine to Abby’s milk. Yesterday they reduced her feeding times to half an hour. She is gaining weight at a pleasing rate. Everything looks good. If there’s anything to complain about, it’s Abby’s frequent spit ups and her left foot, which is bent inward. Neither are a big deal right now. Eventually they will probably take x-rays of Abby’s foot to see what exactly is going on in there.

We recently had a nurse who offered to let us put Abby back in her isolette after we held her. Now, we routinely take her out and put her back for our twice-a-day holding times without the nurse’s help. This is significant because it’s difficult to maneuver all the wires, cords, and blankets, and to hold on to such a little baby and position her correctly so that her head is supported and she can breath easily. Having accomplished this task, some nurses point out that we’re practically qualified to work in the NICU ourselves. I can’t say I like having spent so much time there that I know how to do a lot of “nurse tasks”, but it does feel nice to be the one to pick up your own baby.

Abby’s neighbor was recently transferred across the hall to the “Special Care” unit. When Lydia was in the NICU, she was transferred to Special Care early because there were a bunch of preemies admitted at once and they ran out of room in the NICU. Usually Special Care is for the “eat and grow babies”, those that have no real problems, just need to get bigger and learn to eat. With Abby’s progress lately, I’ve been curious when she’ll be transferred, and maybe a little impatient. Abby’s next stops will be learning to eat (that one will take a while), graduating to an open crib, and moving across the hall.

Praise the Lord
We are thanking God for:
-continued weight gain and steady progress
-nurses who let us take care of our own daughter

Please Pray:
-that Abby, Lydia, Dan and I will stay healthy…it was around this length of time in the NICU that Lydia got sick and we don’t want the same thing to happen with Abby
-that Abby would soon be able to come off her sodium and grow big and strong enough to make more “steps” forward (mentioned above)
-for our patience and perseverance

Abby Update: 4 Weeks Old

Posted on October 9, 2013 by justeeni

Weight: Just under 3 pounds, 6 ounces
Feedings: 30 milliliters fortified to 24 cal every 3 hours given over the course of 1 1/2 hours

Well, that’s right. Abby lost a little weight. It’s nothing to be concerned about, especially because her digestive system decided to kick in and she’s had three very full diapers in the past couple of days. Overall her weight trend is increasing, so no one is worried.

We’ve finally surrendered to the fact that Abigail has reflux. She just spits up. She especially spits up if you move her when she has recently eaten. She’s a strong breather though, and even when she does spit up she manages to (usually) keep her oxygen level, breathing and heart rate up. Often spit ups trigger respiratory and cardiac events, which is when the heart rate drops very low, the breathing slows down or stops, and the oxygen level in the blood drops. Lydia had more events than Abigail has so far and on one occasion Dan was there when she started turning blue. So, we are grateful that Abby doesn’t seem to have the same troubles.

This morning Abby had an eye exam while Dan was holding her. It is very common for preemies to have eye troubles, but some of them can be corrected if caught early enough. Todays exam was normal. Her eyes are developing just how they should.

The doctors and nurses are full of encouraging words for Abigail (and us). She’s right on track and, mostly, we’re just waiting for her to get a little bigger and a little older. Then the next hurdle will be learning to eat.

On Monday night we had our first real difficulty with Lydia. She’s been a trooper all along and has even enjoyed spending so much time with other families while Dan and I go to the NICU. This Monday we decided to let her stay up a little later while a couple from church came over to babysit. We got her ready for bed but told her she could play for a while after we left as long as she would go to bed when she was told to. When Dan and I were about to walk out the door, Dan turned to say goodbye and Lydia suddenly realized we were leaving and just lost it. Dan held her while she cried for a while and eventually we were able to distract her a little, and then we left. I guess she was fine after we were gone, but Dan and I think she’s getting just a little tired of spending so much time away from Mommy and Daddy. Having to leave a crying toddler to go see your other baby makes the goodbyes a whole lot harder.

On the other hand, Lydia absolutely loves her little sister. Often when we are in the NICU together, Lydia asks if she can “hold her!”. At home, she asks to and practices sometimes with her dolls. When we leave the NICU, Lydia insists that we all hug and kiss Abby’s isolette. When we have her out, Lydia often gives her a kiss or pets her head. When we read books, Lydia points to the girls in the pictures and says, “Abigail”. And when we pray for Lydia at night, she interrupts our prayer whispering, “Abigail! Abigail!” until Dan prays for Abigail too. We try to encourage her to look forward to when Abby can come home and then we’ll let Lydia hold Abby.

Praise the Lord
We are thanking God for:
-the good report from Abby’s eye exam
-Abby’s strong lungs, able to keep her going even when she spits up
-that Lydia loves Abigail so much

Please Pray:
-that Abby will not have any more weight losses, only gains (and big ones!)
-for Lydia as we continue to leave her for a few hours almost every day
-for us as we often have to leave one daughter to be with the other, Dan often tells people this feels like having two separate families and it really wears you out (in every way)

Suffering and the Sovereignty of God

Posted on October 7, 2013 by justeeni

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Edit: The sermon mentioned in this post is now online in video and mp3

Sundays are the hardest days for me. It was the same when Lydia was in the NICU. I’m not sure exactly what it is…maybe it’s seeing all the families together at church. Maybe it’s all the babies being held by their mama’s when I don’t get to have mine with me. Partly, I think it is the worship songs. Songs that we sing during church are full of deep truths about God: His lordship, His holiness, His sovereignty. They confess that God is in control, that He is good in all He does, and that we are joyfully, willingly surrendering all and worshiping this God. On a typical Sunday these are all fine and wonderful things. However, when you’re struggling through a trial, those truths hit a little deeper and a little harder. You think a lot more before you sing something out loud. Surrendering to God’s control carries a new weight to it because you know that it might mean going through something hard and still confessing God’s goodness.

Anyway, whatever the full reason is, Sundays are my hardest days. When our kind friends at church ask “How are you doing?”, half the time I start crying. Then I have to reassure them that Abby is doing fine, great, in fact. “So, what’s wrong?”

Dan asks me the same thing when I get down sometimes at night, right before I go to sleep. “What’s wrong?” And he is usually rewarded with a drawn out list:

Our sink won’t drain. The garbage disposal is broken.
The handle just fell off our laundry room door.
My peanut butter spatula** is gone.
I’m tired.
Our house is a mess.
And my baby is in the hospital.

**my peanut butter spatula, which I was thrilled to re-discover when we moved after a summer of being packed away, is a thin “icing spatula” that I use to clean out jars, mainly peanut butter jars which we go through multiple times a week. Since the first time I got to use it in this apartment, it has mysteriously disappeared.

The list varies, depending on what new stressors have come up, but I always end it the same. My baby is in the hospital.

And then, at other times, I feel perfectly fine. Sometimes I can prance into the NICU like it’s “just another normal day” and smile and hear an update on Abby. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like a big deal at all. She’s stable, doing well, doctors are pleased, and will be home in a month or two.

Is this suffering?

Prior to our latest discovery during Abigail’s birth, I never really had a reason to grieve. I’m sure I’ve heard loads of sermons, and plenty of Biblical teaching on grief and suffering, but I must never have had enough motivation to really pay attention. Starting the night after Abby was born, I began to wonder what the Bible really says about grief.

Since I know others have suffered far more than me, is it ok for me to be sad?
Do I deserve to be rebuked for being so down?
Is it wrong for me to be hurt when people act like this is all “no big deal” and tell me it will “be over before you know it”?
Am I overreacting?
How much of this really is just postpartum hormones?
Will I offend those people who have suffered greater things?
How do I respond when well-meaning people say things that don’t comfort me at all?
Since our troubles are small to God, is He annoyed that I can’t just “get over it”?

How fitting it was yesterday, when our guest speaker at church preached a sermon on “Suffering and the Sovereignty of God”. Not only was it a fitting sermon, our speaker was a pediatric heart surgeon who operates on babies, has operated on preemies at the very hospital where Abby is, and knows all of her doctors and much of the other staff there. And he is one of those people who has suffered greater things than I have.

But at the same time, he was full of compassion. He spoke with gentleness and kindness and wisdom and truth. Early in the sermon, he made the point: we should never trivialize the sufferings of others. And we should never claim to fully know God’s purpose in allowing suffering into someone else’s life.

And so, in perfect timing, God answered many of my questions. No matter what trial I am going through at any given time, it is the trial which God has allowed into my life for a reason. It may not be hard in someone else’s life, but it will be hard in mine. And God, who created me, knows that and has compassion. God, who sees all and knows deeper love, joy, hope, and pain than I ever will, isn’t offending by my suffering. He offers comfort. And He uses suffering to fulfill His purpose in my life.

As far as others are concerned, it isn’t a ranking system of suffering. Just because someone has suffered more than someone else, doesn’t mean they are special, or stronger (or weaker), or godlier than anyone else. As Christians, we aren’t supposed to compare or belittle anyone’s sufferings. God only asks us to enter in to their suffering, to “weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15).

I hope that, through this time in the NICU and the disappointment of never being able to have a full-term baby, Dan and I will become more compassionate Christians who are equipped to enter in with others who are suffering. Even if the suffering seems small in our eyes. Even if the suffering seems like something harder than anything we’ve experienced, something with which we could not honestly relate.

And now, because I know Abby’s fans, followers, and prayer warriors need their update…

Weight: 3 pounds, 6 ounces
Feeding: 30 milliliters fortified to 24 cal every 3 hours given over the course of 1 1/2 hours

Abby had another pleasing weight gain last night. She has been struggling to digest lately, having more leftover milk in her tummy at the following feeding times, and going whole days without a dirty diaper. She has also started spitting up again. For now, we are just waiting it out. She’s still young and small and will, hopefully, outgrow these problems.

Now that Abby is 32+ weeks old, she will start receiving iron in a couple of her feeds. Lydia, when she was in the NICU, hated her iron and it always made her spit up. Preemie’s aren’t able to produce red blood cells on their own without receiving extra iron, because most babies get their iron stores built up from Mom during the last weeks of pregnancy. Abby never got that. So we’ll see how she does with these supplements added to her “salted caramel lattes”.

On a brighter note, the physical therapist stopped by today and took a look at little Abby. She was impressed. Her feet may or may not be improving, it’s hard to tell. However, Abby is “very social”. Most babies favor either their hearing or sight, but apparently Abby is excelling at both. When Dan talks to her, she will turn her head and look at him. At the same time, when she’s awake she is “bright eyed” looking around at everything. Tonight we’re going to bring in some family pictures to put above her in the isolette, so that she can “look at us” even when we’re not there. (Just a side note: Dan and I recently learned that Lydia’s isolette, her “bed”, costs $45,000. Yikes!)

Lydia remains the NICU’s favorite toddler. A while ago one of the neonatologists (there are five that rotate) tried to befriend Lydia a little unsuccessfully. Dan informed the doctor that Lydia likes stickers (which are available in ample supply at the reception desk). Yesterday the doctor was back on and brought us two packages of stickers that she had gone out and bought just for Lydia. Originally she bought her some other toy but it was for ages 3 and up, and she didn’t want us to sue her. Lydia happily took the stickers and ignored the doctor. Dan says you just can’t buy her friendship.

Praise the Lord
We are thanking God for:
-Abby’s development: seeing and hearing
-Lydia slept in this morning, which meant Dan got to work a little more and I got to sleep at little more
-answers to my recent questions regarding suffering
-that God is compassionate and gracious to us all

Please Pray:
-that Abby will stop spitting up, start digesting more regularly, and that her feedings will be able to be reduced from 1 1/2 hours long to just 1 hour
-that Abby will tolerate the iron well, and it won’t cause her to spit up more
-that Abby would continue to gain weight and that her exercises would work to straighten out her left foot
-that Dan and I will figure out a better routine now that I am (close to being) able to drive (starting Wednesday)

Abby Update: 24 Days Old

Posted on October 6, 2013 by justeeni

Weight: 3 pounds, 4 ounces
Feedings: 28 milliliters fortified to 24 cal every 3 hours given over the course of 1 1/2 hours

Abby has had two solid weight gains in a row and is now up to the same weight Lydia was when she was born. Maybe she’s getting older and more stable, or maybe it’s all the avocado we’ve been eating around here lately. Most certainly it is an answer to many, many prayers.

The doctor ordered a repeat sodium urine test, but it still came back low (even with sodium supplements) so they believe her kidneys are actually doing a good job. The doctor seemed to be going a little fast during rounds as they discussed her sodium, guess he was afraid we’d hold him to his one month salary bet. 🙂 Abby will stay on sodium supplements and they will continue to check her sodium levels in her blood until things balance out.

Meanwhile, nurses have been commenting that Abby “acts like an older baby”. She can keep her temperature up well and is very alert at feeding times. All of these are very good things. Now that Abby has reached 32 weeks, we have the go-ahead to let her try and nurse, although she probably won’t actually succeed for a while. It’s good practice.

The rest of us are “hanging in there”. We’re tired and we miss Abby. But we are happy to have another week behind us, one less to go. My recovery is going well and today I was even able to watch Lydia (by myself!) for Abby’s hour and a half feeding while Dan held her. Sometimes Lydia will cooperate enough to stay in the NICU for a while when one of us is holding Abby and those times are extra special because we actually get to feel like one whole family.

Praise the Lord
We are thanking God for:
-Abby’s weight gain and her alertness during feeding times
-Another week down and that Abby has reached the 32 week mark
-My healing and ability to do more now so that Dan can hold Abby more often

Please Pray:
-that Abby will continue to gain weight as that may very well be the limiting factor in when she can come home
-that we will have a good opportunity to let Abby try to nurse, when she is very awake, and that she’ll learn quickly
-for continued perseverance

Abby Update: 22 Days Old

Posted on October 3, 2013 by justeeni

Weight: 3 pounds, 1 1/2 ounces
Feedings: 28 milliliters fortified to 24 cal every 3 hours given over the course of 1 1/2 hours

No news is good news.

We don’t keep babies until Kindergarten.

Lydia is so cute!

These are some of the most commonly used phrases in the NICU (lately).

First of all, Abby is continuing her stable pace. She’s has officially reached her birth weight, and passed it. And her feedings have increased along with her weight. Over the past couple of days her spit ups have decreased significantly, which is an answered prayer. The nurses (and Dan and I whenever we’re there) are doing some foot exercises at each feeding time to try to straighten out her left foot. We’re unsure yet whether or not we notice any improvement.

Abby’s recent blood work showed that she was very low in electrolytes so she has been receiving a sodium supplement which is added to the milk at each feeding. Because of the gestation at which she was born, Abby also received caffeine in each feeding (that’s to help stimulate brain activity). So we’ve dubbed her feedings salted caramel lattes. An interesting little tid-bit to go along with the sodium update is that it’s common for preemies to have trouble holding on to sodium because their kidneys are immature. To check this, the doctor ordered a urine test for sodium. Typically the urine test comes back high in sodium because the baby is losing sodium in the urine as the kidneys are failing to absorb the sodium Baby needs. However, despite our doctor’s insistence (he jokingly bet his monthly salary) that the urine sodium count would come out high (around 70), it came back very low (14). In fact, we tried to hold him to his bet, but he ordered a repeat test today because he’s convinced it must have been a bad test. Dan and I are trying our own little experiment upping my sodium intake to see if that helps Abby out any. I’ll have to report back later on the results of our experiment and whether our doctor can keep his salary or not!

So Abby is cruising along. Most times when we show up our nurse welcomes us with “no news is good news”, and we continue our long wait for Abby to come home.

The rest of us are doing fairly well. Life is a roller coaster as we keep trekking back and forth to and from the NICU, leaving Lydia with different church families while we go, and getting way too little sleep. Dan is trying hard to get in his time for work and spend time with his girls. We sure do miss Abby. While the hours go by way too fast (to get anything done), the days are still long, and the weeks are longer.

Meanwhile, Lydia has made a name for herself among the medical personal at St. Joe’s! The techs (clerks at the front desk of the NICU) shower Lydia with praises and stickers. The janitor does too. The nurses welcome her as we enter and head to Abby’s bed. The respiratory therapists stop by to marvel about how well she is talking. The neonatologists gush to others about how Lydia was in the very same NICU two years ago, and “just look how cute she is!”. One doctor opened our curtain while we were holding Abby this morning because she “just had to see Lydia”. Then, as the small team of doctors, therapists, and nurses made their way to our bedside for rounds, we heard some exclamations of, “Oh! Is Lydia there?” from behind the curtain. And of course, everyone we passed on our way out said goodbye…to Lydia. Yes, she may just be the most popular NICU visitor these days.

Praise the Lord
We are thanking God for:
-Abby’s steady progress, reduced spit up, and recent weight gain
-Lydia’s good behavior and that she is handling this crazy-ness so well
-Dan’s employers patience and understanding as he works odd hours and doesn’t often make it in to the office

Please Pray:
-that Abby would gain weight, and that her sodium levels would reach what they should be even without supplements
-that Abby’s foot would straighten out and she wouldn’t need any invasive treatment
-that the rest of us would get more sleep, or that God would graciously multiply the sleep we are able to get
-for wisdom as we try to see Abby, parent Lydia, and get Dan’s hours in at work
-for our patience and perseverance for the still long road ahead

This is When Things Get Hard

Posted on October 1, 2013 by justeeni

Life in the NICU is really unlike any other place. On one hand, everything is so medical and sterile. Everything is done according to procedure and an official doctor’s order has to be put in for anything to be changed. On the other hand, as the doctors make their rounds they are discussing things like spit up and wet diapers. To be honest, it’s a nice place. The nurses are (mostly) sweet and the doctors are extremely friendly. Everyone offers to answer questions, bring (somewhat) comfy chairs to our baby’s bedside when we arrive, and even get us bottled or ice water.

With Lydia, I noticed a bit of a progresion. The first week in the NICU was a whirlwind, so busy and exciting. The second week, we fell into a routine and it was almost (I did say almost) fun going to the hospital each day to get our updates and hold our baby. But by the third week it wasn’t fun anymore. No matter how sweet the nurses or kind the doctors, all those runs back and forth to the hospital got old.

In the NICU, your whole life is put on hold. Your schedule revolves around Baby’s eating times (every three hours). You go back and forth to and from the hospital, returning home only for meals and sleep. You don’t keep up on anything that isn’t necessary. You boil your activities down to the most important: washing dishes and clothes, cleaning the bathroom frequently enough so that it doesn’t grow mold, and paying bills. Everything gets done efficiently or it won’t get done at all.

Last night I hit the same wall that I did during Week 3 with Lydia. Yes, there were overwhelming moments in those first couple of weeks. This is a different kind of hard, a long sad hard. We miss Abby when we’re home. I’m just a little down most of the time, and really down some of the time. Even when I’m holding her, I’m wishing for “normal”.

Abby is doing well. Yesterday a physical therapist looked at her left foot, which has been turned inward since she was at least 20 weeks gestation. So now during each “hands on” time we or the nurses do some “exercises” rotating her foot. Today Abby had some blood work done which came back mostly normal, but her sodium levels are low. So she’ll be getting a sodium supplement added to her feedings probably for a couple of weeks at least. Her weight last night was 1320 grams, down from 1330, but the nurse was also using a different scale, which probably accounted for the difference. Overall, she’s just eating and growing with no major concerns.

It’s still hard.

I know that God is still good. I know that Abby won’t be in the NICU forever. The time will go by quickly for everyone else. (But it would probably not be best to approach Dan and I in a couple of months and comment on how quickly the time passed) I know that suffering is used for good in our lives. But it’s still suffering. It still hurts. We’re still hoping and trusting and hanging on, but we still miss our baby.

God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea, and rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs and works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take; the clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break in blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense, but trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast, unfolding every hour;
the bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err and scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter, and He will make it plain.

Abby Update: 18 Days Old

Posted on September 30, 2013 by justeeni

Weight: Almost 2 pounds, 15 ounces
Feedings: 25 milliliters fortified to 24 cal every 3 hours given over the course of 1 1/2 hours

This week Abby is just making slow and steady progress. Now that she is off the breathing support and has reached full feedings, she really just needs to keep doing what she’s doing and gain weight. Once she reaches 32 weeks, she’ll be allowed to start learning to nurse (although it will probably take two or three weeks before she “gets it”). Until then, this Saturday, no news is good news.

Abby has continued to spit up at the end of her feedings. On top of that, her blood sugars were starting to drop. So the nurses began to check her blood sugars a couple of times a day. This weekend they extended her feedings to stretch over 1 1/2 hours to try to help the blood sugar issue. Dan and I were just thinking today that Abby is literally eating half of the time! Today her blood sugar levels were nice and high so tomorrow she will probably go back to hour long feeds. As for the spit up issue, she continues to spit up, especially if we move her at all, but the amount is small and no one is really concerned.

For about the past week Abby has only been gaining about 15 grams (half and ounce) every two days. Now that she is getting 25 ml every three hours and it’s being fortified to 24 calories, she is expected to gain faster. Since the last weight check (they weigh every other day) she gained 45 grams (about an ounce and a half) which is much better.

On Friday Abigail reached the age at which Lydia was born. I pulled out Lydia’s NICU scrapbook and have been reading my updates that correspond to Abby’s current age. Contrary to how things have seemed to us, Abby is not progressing faster than Lydia. In fact, they’re pretty much at the same pace. However, with a busier schedule and a toddler to chase around, time seems to be going faster this time. And Dan and I were commenting that, although we never would have expected to say this a couple of years ago, Abby makes Lydia look like a chubby baby. Hopefully that won’t be the case for long!

As for the rest of us, we’re doing much better than we were a week ago. Dan’s Mom came down last Wednesday and stocked us up on some fresh produce. Then, his Aunt Debbie joined her on Thursday and together they unpacked us and moved us in. This is the second time we’ve had a baby in the NICU and had to have others move us in and it is SUCH a blessing. Now we don’t have to go home to boxes and dig around to find our stuff.

Our NICU Routine

How do you manage parenting a toddler and spending time with a NICU preemie? Leading up to Abby’s birth I really thought this would be completely impossible. When Lydia was in the NICU we were busy enough, never eating regular meals, never getting to the grocery store, never getting any sleep…however God gives us the grace we need to meet our present needs. Three different families are taking turns watching Lydia from Sundays through Fridays and we keep her all day on Saturdays. For a family that never left Lydia with anyone ever, it’s a little strange to pack her a lunch and drop her off at someone else’s house, but we are grateful for the help. Another family is picking up fresh produce for us once a week and bringing it to us at church. We’ve put together a weekly meal plan and have actually been able to sit down together for dinner almost every night. Other families have helped by bringing food, gift cards, and gifts for Abby. We certainly would be floundering without our family and church family.

Others have asked how they can help. At the moment the best thing anyone can do for us is pray. For those who are able, we do enjoy having visitors and showing off our tiny bundle. I’ll post the times we are usually at the hospital and available for visitors, but it’s always best to give us a call ahead of time to make sure we’ll be here so you don’t waste a trip. The bold times are when we have Lydia with us and are easier times for us to have visitors as we probably won’t be holding Abby during those times. (Getting to hold Abby is quite the process. We have to get her out of her isolette with all those wires and wrap her up in warm blankets with Mom or Dad. Then she gets her feeding while we hold for an hour or more. We usually don’t have people in to visit while we are holding.)

Sunday: 1:30 PM – 2:30 PM (we come right from church) and 7:30 PM – 9:30 PM
Monday: 10:30 AM – 11:30 AM and 7:30 PM – 9:30 PM
Tuesday: 10:30 AM – 12:30 PM and 4:30 PM – 5:30 PM
Wednesday: 10:30 AM – 11:30 AM and 4:30 PM – 6:00 PM
Thursday: 10:30 AM – 11:30 AM and 7:30 PM – 9:30 PM
Friday: 10:30 AM – 12:30 PM and 4:30 PM – 5:30 PM
Saturday: 10:30 AM – 11:30 AM and 4:30 PM – 6:30 PM

Praise the Lord
We are thanking the Lord for:
-Abby’s continued progress with no major bumps in the road yet
-generous friends and family who have helped and are helping with moving, food, and watching Lydia
-a more relaxed pace as we settle into a routine
-a sweet husband who has been sacrificing his turns to hold Abby and letting me hold her instead (he says it’s “good for a Mommy’s heart)

Please Pray
-that Abby would gain weight and that spitting up would not be a problem
-for continued healing for me…it takes a long time to recover from a c-section, I am learning
-for strength, energy, and endurance for all of us as this is a tiring lifestyle

The Birth Story I’ll Never Tell

Posted on September 27, 2013 by justeeni

As our due date approached, Dan and I felt very prepared for labor and delivery. I had studied up on childbirth and knew what to expect and different methods for coping with the contractions. I had written up a “cheat sheet” for Dan, telling him what I wanted him to know and what I wanted him to do to help me during labor, without getting into too much of the medical jargon or graphic details (he doesn’t do so well with anything medical). We were hoping for a natural birth, but were surrendered to whatever course God had for us. When my water broke, I called Dan at work and let him know. Soon enough we were at the hospital, and Lydia was being watched by a family from our church. Labor progressed steadily and just when I didn’t think I could take it anymore, our sweet baby was born. She let out a cry and the doctor handed her to me to hold right away, just like I had wanted. The next couple of days were filled with happy phone calls, lots of pictures, and some welcome visitors. Lydia came to the hospital to visit and we let her hold her new baby sister. She was so proud, and she even started learning to say her name! Two days after delivery, Dan wheeled me down to the hospital entrance and our nurse followed wheeling a cart with some flowers, a balloon, and the rest of our stuff. I got to hold the baby. Dan went to get the car and we loaded everything up and drove home. It felt good to sleep in my own bed in the apartment we had just moved in to a couple of months before our due date. Dan’s mom came down for a week to watch Lydia and I mostly rested with the baby as generous ladies from church provided us with two weeks worth of meals…

If you have been following this blog for any amount of time, you know that this was not our story. Lydia, our first little munchkin, was born 9 weeks early. Abigail, our second, was born 11 ½ weeks early. The births were eerily similar: my water broke when I was sleeping at around midnight, contractions started within an hour, the doctors were unable to stop or slow labor, and we found ourselves in the NICU with a preemie. This time, however, we had to have a c-section.

While the doctor was “putting me back together” and I was laying paralyzed on an operating table, she told me that she thought she knew the reason I was having early babies. Then Dan and I both thought she said I had a unicorn inside of me. Finally we got things cleared up a little bit and learned, as the doctor and nurses looked inside of me like some sort of weird science project, that I have a unicornuate uterus.

Photo Credit: loveandmarriageblog.com

Basically that means that, half of my uterus is just solid muscle with no cavity, and the other half is normal. That also means that, when I’m pregnant, my babies only have half of the amount of room to grow, so when Baby reaches about 3 pounds, she runs out of room. My water breaks, labor starts, and we have another preemie.

I had a long talk with my OB a couple of days after Abby was born. Yes, I am still able to have more children. However, I will probably never make it past 32 weeks gestation. And, I have an increased chance of having breech babies.

The night after Abigail was born, I woke up in the middle of the night and was awake for a couple of hours trying to process this new information. I had a few difficult realizations:

I will never get to nurse my newborn.
I will never get to hold my newborn baby.
I will never get to bring my babies home with me when I’m discharged from the hospital.
My deliveries will always have to take place in the operating room adjacent to the NICU so my babies can be rushed out of my sight to the waiting team of doctors and nurses.
My babies will always have to spend weeks or months in the NICU.

There have been so many thoughts swirling around in my head since this discovery. This is perhaps the most significant event in my life so far that has made me mourn the affects of sin, the curse, and the brokenness in this world. It makes me long for heaven.

This morning, as I was thinking about all of this once again, I pulled out one of my favorite missionary biographies on Amy Carmichael, A Chance to Die. There is one chapter in particular that describes a year in Amy’s life when two of her spiritual mentors died and then one of the children that she had rescued as a baby also died. Many people began to console Amy by saying “It is very hard to see how this can be for the best”. Amy responded,

“We are not asked to SEE. Why need we when we KNOW? We know – not the answer to the inevitable Why, but the incontestable fact that is is for the best. “It is an irreparable loss, but is it faith at all if it is ‘hard to trust’ when things are entirely bewildering?”

So, as Dan and I continue our NICU visits, and eventually bring Abby home, we’ll keep processing this news and its implications for our family. And we will continue to cry out to God for grace to trust that all of this is for the best. I know there are plenty who have suffered far greater losses than this, and I don’t mean to minimize their trials. I’m just trying to be a little transparent about the trials God has allowed into our lives, hoping that some will be comforted or encouraged.

And shall I pray Thee change Thy will, my Father,
Until it be according unto mine?
But, no, Lord, no, that never shall be, rather
I pray Thee blend my human will with Thine.

I pray Thee hush the hurrying, eager longing,
I pray Thee soothe the pangs of keen desire –
See in my quiet places, wishes thronging –
Forbid them, Lord, purge, though it be with fire.

And work in me to will and do Thy pleasure
Let all within me, peaceful, reconciled,
Tarry content my Well-Beloved’s leisure,
At last, at last, even as a weaned child.

Amy Carmichael

Abby Update: 2 Weeks Old

Posted on September 25, 2013 by justeeni

Weight: 2 pounds, 13 ½ ounces
Feedings: 23 mililiters fortified to 22 cal every 3 hours given over the course of 1 hour

Abby keeps on cruising along. Preemies are given lipids and TPN through a PICC line. The lipids are basically fat. The TPN is basically food. As Abby has increased her feeding amounts each day, she has needed less and less of the lipids and TPN. On Sunday the doctor gave orders to stop lipids and on Monday her TPN was replaced with clear fluid. Yesterday they took out her PICC line! So now little Abby only has a feeding tube and the leads that monitor her breathing, heart rate, and oxygen level.

Yesterday the nurses started to feed Abby by connecting her food syringe to a pump that slowly gives her the food over the course of half and hour. Today they slowed it to one hour. Previously the food was just “plunged” in the syringe and given to her by gravity. However, research seems to show that babies do better with the slower, consistent rate of food being given using the pump. We’re hoping this helps reduce the amount of milk Abby is spitting up. Preemies often develop reflux, so it’s not terrible if she does too, but we’re hoping to pump will help.

Now that Abby has reached her “full feed” amount of milk, she has started receiving fortified milk. This means that formula is added to the milk to give it extra calories and is pretty typical for every preemie. We’ll wait and see over the next few days to find out how much weight she starts to gain with full feeds and fortified milk.

As for the rest of us, thank you all for your prayers! Yesterday as I held Abby I was so filled with thankfulness and peace as I reflected on God’s leading in all of this. What a change that was from a few nights ago! I am encouraged to think that “the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that will be revealed” and also that our trials and suffering produce perseverance, character, and hope. I have also been thinking about how God definitely does give us more than we can handle on our own, but never more than we can handle with His help. God has been helping us and the past couple of days have been so much better. We are so thankful.

On Monday night, a couple from church came over to babysit while Lydia slept and Dan and I got to spend some nice time alone with Abby. Dan also started going in to work for a few hours on Monday and Lydia and I have been surviving alright without him. Since I’m not able to lift Lydia for two more weeks, I’ve been building “stairs” up to her high chair and crib for lunch and nap times. The first day was rough at nap time, but she’s figuring things out and cooperating very sweetly.

We are growing more and more certain that Dan’s nausea was due to stress, lack of sleep, and irregular meals. As we continue to adjust and figure out a routine all of those things have been starting to improve. I am enjoying our new apartment a lot already, even without having unpacked anything yet, and Lydia loves it here now that Dan has started taking her to the pond to feed the ducks every day or so. Since we expect to spend another 6-10 weeks in the NICU and then have a newborn at home, we know that we’ll be sleep deprived for quite a while (though I, at least, get a nap a day when Lydia naps) so if anyone has any tips for keeping our energy up besides drinking caffeine, we’re all ears!

Praise the Lord
We are thanking God for:
-Abby’s continued progress, that she is off her PICC line and continuing to breath well
-a new normal, settling into some sort of structure and no longer feeling quite like chickens running around with our heads cut off
-an apartment that is already feeling like home (to me) and doesn’t appear to be the cause of Dan’s illness
-that our first little munchkin has done so well with an irregular schedule, lots of different babysitters, late bed times, and less play time with Mommy and Daddy
-generous friends who have offered help in so many ways: watching Lydia, providing healthy food and gift cards, and so many who are praying

Please Pray
-that Abby would gain weight quickly, continue to breath and digest well, and not have problems with reflux
-for a more consistent routine for us
-for strength as we are both (Dan and I) very tired

Abby Update: 10 Days Old

Posted on September 23, 2013 by justeeni

Weight: Almost 2 pounds, 12 ounces

Feedings: 16 milliliters (about 1 Tablespoon) every 3 hours

Abigail is doing great! She is almost back up to her birth weight and is due to be weighed again tonight. As her feedings continue to increase by 3 milliliters each day, she will slowly be weaned from her IV and the doctors will be able to remove her PICC line, which is the line that goes in through her arm and feeds her those fluids. Today they took away her lipids (fats that they have been feeding her).

Abby’s is off the bilirubin light and digesting well. Over the past couple of days she has begun to spit up some. It is very common (but inconvenient) for preemies to develop reflux, so we are praying this will not be the case with little Abby. Her nurse today said she seemed more relaxed and has only spit up once today, for which we are glad.

The big news is that Abby is off her cannula and breathing on her own. If she struggles to breath, they’ll put her back on the cannula, but so far she looks like she’s doing great. As more of the wires and stickers are being removed, Abby looks more and more like a term baby, although still much too small, and today she was wearing her first outfit!

While Abby is doing great, we would appreciate prayers for the rest of our family. On Friday, the young people from our church moved us into a new apartment. They did an amazing job. One young man used his incredible packing skills to rearrange our laundry room into a storage and useable laundry room. I was also surprised when I opened the cupboards in the kitchen to find nearly all of our kitchen unpacked and put away. And our super sweet pastor’s wife loaded our fridge with some produce and other healthy foods that she had made. If anyone who helped ends up reading this, consider this a HUGE thank you! While everyone was working so hard, I was relaxing in the hospital typing out Abigail’s birth story.

While Abigail continues to do well, the rest of our family is in need of prayer. Taking care of our bigger Munchkin, getting in Dan’s time for work, visiting Abby, getting some small amount of rest, and trying to move in, eat, and keep up with at least a little bit of laundry is proving to be a lot. We have yet to figure out a workable routine, and Lydia is not cooperating well enough to continue bringing her with us to the NICU. Abby is doing well enough now that we could hold her twice a day, but we haven’t been able to figure out a workable plan that allows us to hold her twice.

Back in May Dan and I moved in to a condo in Ann Arbor, but soon Dan was experiencing all sorts of weird symptoms (feeling sick and nauseous whenever he was home) that we finally attributed to mold. We rushed out of that condo to a temporary home in Plymouth. We took a long time finding another place to live, trying to be careful to find a place that wouldn’t make Dan sick again. However, when we got to see our current apartment, it smelled so strongly of cleaning chemicals that it was hard to tell if there was anything else weird in the air. Today Dan started feeling nauseous again. Honestly, it’s too much for me to think about right now. In fact, I’ve developed a new coping technique where I don’t think about anything except what I’m doing at the moment. The thought of having to move again is completely ridiculous. But if Dan is really going to feel very sick whenever he’s home, the thought of staying there for a year is also ridiculous. So I am overwhelmed and at a loss as to what to think or do. Please pray that his nausea passes, that it’s not related to the new apartment. Or, pray that if we really are going to have to move (I can barely stand to write that down!) that it will become very clear to us within the next day or two.

Praise the Lord

We are thanking God for:

-Dan’s Mom who helped pack us up for our move and spent a couple days helping with Lydia

-the youth at church who moved us all in a couple of hours

-Abby’s weight gain, breathing success, and freedom from the bilirubin light

Please Pray:

-that Abby will continue to gain weight and breath well, and will stop spitting up (can’t stand to loose those calories!)

-that we will figure out a workable routine-that Dan can get in his hours at work and I can get in the rest I need to stay healthy and strong

-that there will be nothing in our new apartment making Dan feel sick, that he’ll feel much better very soon and we’ll know within a day or two if something needs to change

MI Taylor Family

We live in Michigan.